Did You Hear?

The following is a list of phrases in the impenetrable language of “Christianese.” For those unfamiliar with this strange dialect, below you’ll find a helpful Christianese-English Dictionary so that you can find out what your Christian friend is really saying to you. I first read this on Mark Waltz’s site who read it on Amber Cox’s site, who had shared it from Tim Shraeder’s site. Whoever created it – well done.

Are you as guilty as I am?

1. I’ll pray about it = NO!
2. We need to pray for so and so = Guess what I just heard?!
3. I’m waiting for God to open some doors = I’m living in my parent’s basement.
4. God gave me a word for you = I have advice to help you with your disaster of a life.
5. I’m going to have my quiet time = Leave me the heck alone!
6. God is good = My life sucks.
7. Bless his/her heart = What an idiot.
8. I have the gift of discernment = I can judge people without even talking to them.
9. I was having fellowship with them = We had beer and pizza and watched the game instead of going to church.
10. I’m saved by grace, not works = I can do whatever the heck I want.
11. She caused me to stumble = What a skank.
12. I kissed dating goodbye = I couldn’t get a blind date, literally.
13. Let no unwholesome talk come out of your mouth = I can’t believe you said the real curse word!
14. I don’t mean to judge but… = I’m going to judge.
15. I’m dating Jesus right now = Are you kidding? I’m way out of your league.
16. God wants me to take some time off from this relationship = I met someone else and I’m too coward to break up with you.
17. I’ll pray about marrying you = NO!
18. God told me that we are supposed to get married = Maybe you’ll say yes if God is behind this.
19. I’m fasting = Your spiritual life is miniscule compared to mine. Try to keep up.
20. God has called me to minister to her = She’s really hot.
21. I think you should pray about it = You’ll see that I’m right.
22. We’ve decided to court, not date = My parents have a death grip on my life.
23. Courting = Homeschool dating.
24. Lord willing = My plans are His plans.
25. Take this with a grain of salt = I’m about to really offend you.
26. I’m feeling convicted about this = One day my actions might change too!
27. Have I offended you? = Why are you treating my like garbage?
28. Who wants to pray? = I don’t want to pray right now.
29. Jesus turned water into wine = Jesus turned water into grape juice. (Southern Baptist Dialect)
30. Jesus turned water into wine = I can drink whatever I want. (Presbyterian Dialect)

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2 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by David G on January 31, 2008 at 4:08 PM

    Do I dare add a few more:
    I never miss church = No football games today.
    I am reading a great book = at least the cover.
    I am a great leader= love to hear myself talk.
    Would you like to pray before we eat=ok, if over 20 seconds I will send you my “hurry up” thoughts.

  2. Too too funny. By the way, I AM living in my parent’s basement and I AM waiting for the Lord to open doors.

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